End of the Line For the PT Loser

Today, July 9, 2010 marks a day that will burn in the hearts of car guys everywhere- it's the end of the road for the venerable and lovable Chrysler PT Cruiser.

Okay- maybe I'm being a bit dramatic... No car guy really ever loved the PT Cruiser, but as one who once sold them- I'll never forget the little retro-styled car.

When I started selling Chryslers in the fall of 2004, the PT Cruiser was really, our only inexpensive, small-car offering.

Us salesmen quickly dubbed it the "PT Loser," because aside from financially raping someone in special finance, there was literally no money to made on them. They were "flats," $75 losers.

The strangest people liked them... Many of which brought-in the local paper ad, where we always had one "loss leader," on a car that was so stripped-down- any more and it would be a retro-mobile to the Flintstones-era.

Some notable favorites who came-in and bought the Loser Cruiser (that come to my mind anyway) was an old (odd) hippie couple from Hackensack, who of all-things drove another, older, PT Cruiser.

They had seen the ad for a $13,999 car, and had wanted to upgrade. But before they cold lay-eyes on the "stripper" we were slinging in the local paper, walking them through the lot they spotted the Limited Edition Dream Cruiser (Chrysler for a while made limited production Dream Cruisers- even numbered them in a series as if they were model matchbox cars to be collected out of a Happy Meal...)

As the husband of the pair saw the Metallic Purple Dream Cruiser- he said to his wife "if we had that, we'd be the envy of the club..."

The wife then whispered back to him- "can you imagine doing it that one?"

Doing it? What kind of club were they talking about?

At this point- I prayed I didn't have to appraise their trade...

Turns out the dynamic duo were members of a club- a PT Cruiser club- but it is still unclear as to what kind of cruising- they were doing in the back of their cars...

Another notable Cruiser favorite was the lady on welfare from Toms River, who schlepped her brother, about ninety miles up the Garden State Parkway for the privilege of busting my balls over a black PT Cruiser that had to have a simulated wood-grain paneling kit on the sides- (like an old Woody Wagon...) or she'd refuse to drive it.

The lady was literally destitute and her brother had offered to co-sign on a new car- but she insisted on the $3,500 right to have fake wood glued on the sides of her new basic transportation. In fact, she was quite animate about it proclaiming "I would never drive a PT Cruiser without wood on the side... I'm not low-class..."

Her words, not mine. (Hey, the customer is always right, what can I say?)

I remember my desk boss in the tower- who penned the deals quipping "the bitch doesn't have a pot to piss in... but she wants wood on her PT Cruiser... Welcome to f'n America asshole..." he overcharged her on the wood package- after all- it doesn't hurt to try when you know it's not going to happen.

We blew-her-out- no car, no wood and all.

But the last and final PT Cruiser anecdote belongs to the 94 year-old lady who walked in one January afternoon and wrote a check, for what was surely going to be... her last car.

Mary was 94 and... (to her anyway) it was time to say goodbye to the green 1994 Plymouth Neon with 14,700 original miles. She needed a new Chrysler.

She paid for the thing with a bank check- that we made her go and get... Signed the papers and drove away- running over the curb as she made it back to Route 4.

I like to think- she loved the Cruiser because it reminded her of cars when she was.... 34.

Not all the people who drove PT Cruisers were losers- but those who did drive them- were as old as they were odd- and invariably- blind as a bat.

Not a segment worth promoting, especially when you're bankrupt.

I'm just wondering when Chevrolet will follow suit and discontinue the HHR- their answer for making a car like the PT Loser.

Relax. It's Just a Phone.

I'm amused at the resurgence of iPhone mania- as Apple launches its all-new and improved iPhone 4. Some 600,000 have already been pre-ordered, despite minor distribution issues.

I'm a fan of the iPhone- I've been using one since July 2, 2007, just a day after the original debuted.

Yes, I'm still using the same, old, original iPhone. ("Loser," right?) Now, when that thing came-out- it was a big deal. And not because I bought one.

The anticipation of the then all-new concept of an iPhone was big news. The first, viable, fully customizable phone that could sync-in to your home computer, well- it was nothing short of revolutionary.

For this Mac user- it was a must have- the capstone to my iMac, my Powerbook, my MacBook, my thousands of dollars of pretty, white and shiny Mac accessories.

I paid over $500 for revolutionary- even had to return it a few times- because, alas, there were issues- but... Almost three years later, I still have a phone.

I also paid $500 to be one of the first in my circle of friends to have one- shit, I was a bona fide celebrity at work- and those idiots took to the iPhone like cavemen took to the discovery of fire.

Now, every idiot has an iPhone- and they should- it's a good phone.

But what amazes me is- the hysteria among the masses seems to get greater and greater as these new iPhones roll-out. It's on the web, it's in the news. It's on social networking sites- like a virus.

There's an old high-school friend of mine on my Facebook (who I haven't spoken to or seen in like 15 years) nice enough guy- became a doctor.

He's married- lives in California, has a child. He's done quite well for himself, I suppose- if that's what you want.

But what I don't get it is- the enthusiasm this seemingly accomplished, busy person is spewing constantly over the net about this stupid phone.

It's just a phone.

Shit- if I were married- had an important career and an equally more important job of being a father- the last thing I would be doing is broadcasting every minute detail (daily, almost hourly) about the roll-out of this stupid phone, on Facebook too, no less.

It's not a stupid phone, its a smart phone, but if I had a life where important things were going on in it- the last thing on my mind would be my stupid phone.

Well, easy for me to say- despite not having much going on too monumental (and I may add- nothing too monumental is going on in car-land- hence the lack of posts lately- I am sorry), I could care less about my phone.

I mean, it's at my side constantly- I do use it a lot for serious business. But it works fine- until it breaks- I'm not buying a new one, for lack of being a "winner" with the latest, and greatest toy.

The other night I fell like a ton-of-bricks, incidentally on a ton-of-bricks- a friend of mine was laying a stone patio and in the dusk of night (and lack of outside lighting- that'll be the next home project I guess) I fell, quite swiftly, over a pile of pavers in his backyard.

I was fine, I am fine. Just a minor scrape on my shin, no bruises, aches, pains or broken-bones, thank God.

I will tell you this- falling at 31 is not like it used to be- but, thankfully, I'm in decent shape enough to be able to still take a downward hit. (And strangely enough- I found it funny too, like I was some kinda toddler, learning to walk or something.... Fall and tell me how it makes you feel.)

My old, original (read aluminum) iPhone took a nice hit too- it's got a neat dent in it- a dent that would have killed a newer, now plastic iPhone.

Funny how I'm proud of this dent. The phone took the business-end, the hard edge of a concrete paver- better the phone than my upper quadricep!

If you take the hits and survive- you're proud of most anything, no matter how small, or serious the dings, and dents may be.

But when you've been there, and done the iPhone before every loser who's now online Twittering about the all-new iPhone 4, well- you'll too think twice about buying a new one.

Seemingly, with this bored society in which we now live- iPhones are still a big deal.

Easy for me to say- I did it first. Then again- I've always been first with the toys.

My advice to you- buy an all-new iPhone 4.

Just don't hurt yourself- you'll never look at your stupid iPhone quite the same way again. **

(**Doctorate may be required...)