The Car Guy Gets New Soap. Yes, Soap.

OKay- nothing too much exciting going on in the car world... Nothing this Car Guy is taking as anything new or noteworthy anyway- but in my plight to advise my readers of something... Well- did I tell you about the new soap I've been using?

A few months back- GQ ran a section of things poor folks can do to live the good life. While I wouldn't call myself poor- expensive, cheap or not- I'll take a good life any day- at any price. Lucky for me if I can still afford it.

One of their recommendations were to make shorts out of old Chinos. I did that. Got it right on the first cut- cut straight and true-right above the kneecaps and I've been wearing the fraying, fading poor man's shorts all-summer-long.
They're a relic of my old-life wearing these fading, horrid Ralph Lauren Chinos- of which, I wore during my daily stints to literal hell- my old job.

Every time I put my legs through them in the morning- I can't but think how lucky I am. Turned my old work trousers into shorts- and I've been wearing them most ever day. No more hell. That's a good life if I ever knew one!

My father for a while got really into personal care products. Yes, there are even websites, blogs and forums dedicated to all-things relating to personal care, for all of you who do care- anyway. Soaps, shaving stuffs, hair care... you name it. It's discussed and relayed- ad nausea.

Pity but true- sometimes the best stuff, is quite often than not- cheaper than expensive. And more often than not- the bottles aren't nearly as neat as the more expensive stuff.

In other words- it's all just a bunch of fancy packaging.

Literally- thousands of products that are formulated, quarterly, by big business to do hundreds of different things to the human body.

Don't believe me? Walk through a mall- count all the crap you see that is sold in a bottle- but what the marketers and advertising gurus don't want you to know- you're really just buying a fancy package. There- I said it again. Am I officially nagging?

I've bought into the lifestyle stuff. I'm not from hunger here. Most of my clothing is name-brand. It's fraying, but it's name brand. I buy quality in most everything I have- but the classic definition of quality (for those who don't have a marketing degree); quality is where performance meets or exceeds expectations. At a price, too, of course.

I've bought hundreds of dollars of Kiehls and other brands. My sister for the holidays, one year, even bought me a sampler of Molton Brown liquid soaps.

While I enjoyed the colorful, exotic and luxurious scents of Molton Brown- the only thing that remains of the soaps is the elegant Oriental-style gift box they came in- I use it as a bookend on my bookshelf. Yeah, it's that pretty.

I'm not looking for another lifestyle, or a hobby. I just want something good. Something very good and cheap- beyond the Proctor & Gamble notion of Irish Spring- and I'm not talking CVS brand either. That's not the good life I'm looking for...

Back to the GQ guide- another recommendation for the good-life-on-a-budget was Dr. Bronner's "All-One" Pure-Castile "magic" soap. Supposedly- the stuff is cheap and very good.

It comes in this huge, long, industrial plain plastic bottle. Like it's meant for your dog or pet horse... or used to take the stains out of hotel carpeting. With a simple label too- with lots of writing.
I kept my eyes peeled for the stuff- and as my current bottle of body wash was beyond (what I like to call in honor of Chris Rock) "Mo Tussin"- it's when you put water in an empty soap bottle in an effort to, well... make more soap (though in Chris Rock's bit it was Robitussin)... I found it, at Walgreens.

I picked-up the bottle and started reading... this was the stuff. But as I read the label- well, I got a little nervous.

Simple label, no frills- almost old-fashioned in nature with like two colors, but there was so much crap written on it- most of it- literally- read like the Holy Bible, or one of those fliers you get on the side of the road from God-only-knows-who- proclaiming God-only-knows-what. It was just maniacal- as far as soap labels went to me, anyway.

Commandments, rules, praises, chants... All this nutty shit. Nothing made sense. Nothing like this, all 18-in-one uses or not, should be on a soap bottle.

Forget "Mo Tussin" I turned into Bernie Mac and dropped the bottle "I ain't fucking with this shit..." is all I could muster as I literally walked away.

I felt betrayed- like when you find the best birthday or holiday greeting card- and something awkwardly religious or really out of context ruins the card as you read it? Like when you end a Hallmark card- "may you walk in the light of Jesus Christ our Lord.." and you're looking for something to give with a gift check for a Jewish wedding, on a Saturday night too, no less?

I'm not looking to find God or religion in the shower (incidentally, an old co-worker called me a few weeks back and proclaimed he found God in the shower... but that's another story, for another time...) I just want something good.

Something had to give, so I did some research.

Well- long story cut very short- Dr. Emmanuel Bronner- founder of the aptly named Dr. Bronners Magic Soaps went crazy- literally. And he was crazy about being clean.

Born Emmanuel Heilbronner in Germany of Jewish decent- Dr. Bronner left Germany in the late 1920s- despite being the heir to a flourishing family-owned soap manufacturing business.

The young Heilbronner pleaded, begged his parents to join him Stateside- just as the Nazis were picking-up steam. Incidentally- the Nazi's nationalized the Heilbronners' business and took everything they had.

Supposedly, according to some sources, the last correspondence Bronner had with his father was a postcard proclaiming "you were right- Your loving father."

Everyone was killed.

Bronner eventually went crazy promoting his "Moral ABCs" a collection of his personal, religious and professional exploits (also noted on the said label) and was even committed to a mental hospital- and received shock treatments. How cool?

Funny- but now... I had to have the stuff!

While Bronner eventually died in 1997- the Bronner family has continued the niche hand-making of mostly organic, eccentric personal products- the 18-in-one, "magic" Pure-Castile body soap- (crazy incoherent labels and all) included.

So while I now understood the madness behind the mantra- does it make it right?

The soap works. To quote a lady who posted a review of the stuff on a body care forum (don't ask me which one...) but it read something along the lines of... "the stuff makes parts of my body tingle and make me feel things that- that I'd best leave to the imagination..." And it does.

It's so refreshing, so light and aromatic it tingles the senses and literally wakes up parts of your body not meant to tingle or wake-up if you know what I mean.

I mean... if these parts are tingling- you better go see a doctor... And get something prescribed... And don't have sex with anything- like ever again.

But arousal aside- it's an excellent soap. It's cheap- it smells good and lathers-up like I don't know what- like a social disease; and comes in a package so huge, like I said- you can shampoo a hotel lobby carpet with it- or use it to bathe your pet horse and still have more to wash-down the boat.

I put it in two different locations in my house so far- one in the shower and another as a refreshing hand-soap.

Supposedly you can clean 18 different things with it. Maybe even brush your teeth with it- I don't know-yet.

The true test will be how it cleans the Jubilee bracelet of a Rolex watch- so far, Scrubbing Bubbles takes the cake- and I'll let you know how this stuff works... maybe.

But it tingles as it cleans and it leaves you feeling fresh and great. As if something holy has happened in the shower.

Like I said- I'm not looking for a lifestyle, or a hobby- but I bought it all- story, bottle, price, image- all in my quest for a quality product; for maybe, just maybe- a better life and well, to be different.

Funny how marketing really does work.

No Mo Tussin... Not for a long while!