Working On Forever- How Maintaining an Old Mercedes is a Lesson in Future Mortality

Probably the single most fun thing I do- the most enjoyment and happiness that I get out of anything- and despite hardly being a "master" at it, (I will contest, the more I know of anything- the less of a master I know I am) is working on old cars- specifically, my very-own, 1985 Mercedes-Benz Turbodiesel.

Over the years I've dabbled in it enough to do it okay- to a point- I mean, I can't do major engine or systems work- I just don't have the tools, experience or the facilities- but what I can do- I do... and I like it- its one of the few things- besides jogging that makes me feel good about myself.

I fiddle around and tinker more than anything. Since as long as I can remember- I've been screwing with this shit- I've learned mostly by getting frustrated, making mistakes and picking the brains of professionals.

Lately- the old car- well, has been running like shit. Actually it runs okay- just the idle has been erratic. I had a sneaking suspicion that its fuel related- so I purged the mechanical fuel injection system- using a highly-concentrated detergent additive and a 20 oz. Gatorade bottle and some plastic tubing to act as a separate, bypassed, secondary and contained fuel system. Then I replaced both the primary and the secondary fuel filters- the turn of an adjustable wrench and a few screws later- I had new filters and clean injectors.

I then gave it an Italian Tune-Up- ask any real car guy and they'll attest- you can fix most anything with an Italian Tune-Up- think of it like exercise for machines and an excuse to drive in a lower gear and a little crazy, if only in the name of maintenance... It's the automotive equivalent to hitting the side of the television... or the ol' Seeburg if you're The Fonz.

Why am I going through all this? Because working on a car built literally of cast iron, aluminum, real rubber, copper, brass and steel- to last forever- I began to wonder- are the new Mercedes-Benzes today, or any other cars rather, made to last forever like these older ones?

Let me clarify- nothing is made to last forever- just sometimes, rarely- you get a machine that was built during a time and place, for a price, with basic, proven technologies and materials- that could last a very, very long time if well taken care of (read with simple tools and know-how)- like the old Mercedes- call it "forever" if you must.

That's not to say they don't fall apart- they do- but like the Brooklyn Bridge- whatever that eventually breaks- can be fixed or replaced (at a pretty price mind you) if you care to do so- and viola- you still have a great car in the end- or an on-going hobby at least.

Now, there comes at time when something happens and well, it's time to say good-bye. Nothing will last forever... It's just how you care to define forever- or prolong the inevitable?

Many of you who read The Car Guy Gets It know I'm also a bit of a horologist- or someone who studies the arts and sciences of timekeeping- basically I like watches. While horologists can't define forever, gosh-darn-it- they'll try to measure it... One tick at a time...

Ask any seasoned watchmaker and they'll tell you- high-grade watches can last several lifetimes- literally hundreds of years if properly looked-after. Watches like these can cost tens, or hundreds of thousands of dollars... Lots of money. Very few people wear them enough to realize forever, of course and none of them live as long to prove it... So... anyway- they're good conversation pieces for the mortal living at best.

Good, high-quality wristwatches can last maybe 30 to 40 years if worn everyday. Like a Rolex has a real-world wrist-life of around 35 years. That's not to say there aren't 60 year-old Rolex watches being worn- there are- but they're collectors' items at best. Rolex, the manufacturer- won't even support their existence with service, parts and expertise. In other words- they want you to buy a new watch after 35 years... That's what they do. It's business- to sell new watches.

Cheaper wristwatches- like quartz, battery operated-stuff- (stuff with a microchip or a circuit board) have a wrist-life of much less- maybe fifteen years or so... If you're lucky. Then it's a throw-away and an excuse to go to the mall to buy another watch. Again, there are outliers to the "rule," but they're seen as liabilities at best to any a horologist- one tick closer to gone, unless you're a hobbyist, of course- keeping shitty watches alive...

Okay- back to cars. So, I didn't solve my rough idle (but I have clean injectors, new filters and a better idea of- now- what it is...) and I got to talking to an old mechanic friend of mine- of whom I've been trying to re-connect-with for months... I was feeling like a mechanic all-day- why not try to talk to a friend who actually is a mechanic?

Lucky for me- I made contact- it was really nice catching-up. In talking about the business of fixing cars- my friend- an accomplished Mercedes-Benz mechanic for many, many years made a very good point to me- discussing about the virtues of older verses newer German cars like the Mercedes-Benz or the BMW... These newer cars, like the ones they're making today- just aren't going to last forever- forever is bad for business.

If it will be ten to fifteen years- it will be forever... Okay- maybe twenty years... But will you see people like myself wrenching the new cars of today in their backyards twenty years from now? No.

He continued... "look at the cars of just ten-fifteen years ago- the wiring harnesses go, they dry-up- and then that's it... you're screwed... what a nightmare..."

Like the watchmakers- the car manufacturers are in the business of not only selling new cars, but also fixing them... rather, making sure you can't do it without them... And cars today are sporting technologies and sciences that make The Apollo Program look like wind-up Mickey Mouse watches in comparison. That, and the materials they use today just aren't meant to survive- some car makers like BMW boast how environmentally friendly their cars are; able to be broken-down quickly and friendly too, of course.

Makers today are more interested in selling a recyclable product than building anything forever- not only is it good business but it's a good image and a marketing tool.

Toyota once ran a commercial where they made, out of sticks and leaves- a pile of bio-degradable shit made-up to look like a Prius- and time-lapsed the decomposition in an open field. Nice... if you're into John Denver too, of course.

But like the cheap, throw-away, battery-operated wristwatches- the technologies behind today's cars relies heavily on computer chips- silicon. Once the silicon chipboard or motherboard dries-out, breaks/shorts... it's throw-it-away, say good-bye.

Now if you dig deep- you'll learn- there's a big to-do about making sure the suppliers and venders of all these high-tech auto bits of today will still be available, if need-be tomorrow, forever from now. There are agreements and plans in-place- but... It's complicated and well, no one knows what the future is going to bring. Forever is not guaranteed for anyone, and alas not anything- especially new cars.

As for my old Mercedes, well, I'm literally a two open-ended-wrench-turns away from a fix, I think... I'm 99.9% sure I know what it is now, thanks to some online reading and some friendly advice from an old friend... I'm also 99.9% sure that twenty, thirty years from now, I'll be bent over the left fender of some old Mercedes (quite possibly the one I'm driving now...) trying to figure-out something on a nice, Saturday afternoon.

I could only hope- after all, the future isn't guaranteed for anyone you know.

But maybe, just maybe there will be a fix for the future tinkerer. Maybe there will be an app for that... Or something... for making an old pile of whatever- quite literally- last forever.

The 2011 Toyota Avalon... 2015's Mass Product Recall... Today.

Toyota- just as you thought the very worst is over- yet more recalls are coming-to-light- this time, it's with the steering mechanisms in some Toyota Avalon and Lexus LX 470 SUV models.

As reported here, by the Associated Press.

If anything- this recall is keeping the service departments at their respective dealerships gainfully employed with overtime.

At the rate Toyota is going- don't be surprised if they are commended for being the biggest payers of hourly wage overtime in 2010.

And don't be shocked if some quirky ad-man makes a funny tongue-in-cheek poster entitled "The 2011 Toyota Avalon... 2015's Mass Product Recall... Today." A hail to my two favorite ad-proposals...

Chrysler's 1957 very famous Plymouth campaign for the Forward Look "Suddenly It's 1960":



And the (some would say- an original Madison Avenue Mad Men) Jerry Della Femina's 1970 book entitled "From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harbor" originally an idea for a Panasonic television ad...
I dunno... I think it's funny.

The All-New 2011 Ford Explorer- Thankfully Different, In Hindsight, Of Course...

So, cyberspace is all-a-buzz about the 2011 Ford Explorer due in dealerships this winter. I believe it's making (or has it already made- I was watching Mad Men last night?) its sneak-peek debut on Facebook- but the deets are out- the 2011 Ford Explorer... is (thankfully) quite different.

The Explorer originally made its debut in or around 1990- it was wildly popular- a more domesticated, four-door version of what was once called a Bronco II, the Explorer- a body-on-latter-frame (truck) vehicle literally defined the Sport Utility Vehicle segment.


That's not to say, looking back in time, the Explorer was any good- it really wasn't. In complete hindsight- most everything once thought as cool or good for you through history- is actually really quite bad- and the Ford Explorer is no exception to the rule. As far as cars go- the Explorer is right-up-there with broiled red-meat and smoking- the kind of chic that makes Mad Men today such a success.

Now twenty years-on, you'd be hard-pressed to find a surviving, original Ford Explorer- most of them have since rusted-away to oblivion or were the $4,500 trades of choice during last year's Cash For Clunker's campaign. (Remember that one? Where has the year gone?)

But in the past two-decades- the Ford Explorer, while it defined an exciting, significant (now almost embarrassing) segment in automotive history- it wasn't without scandal or problem. Not only were the first Ford Explorers prone to rollover, when they did roll-on-to their roof sections- the pillars would deform- leading to what most litigators called "roof-crush," a problem that killed and crippled many- causing millions in litigation for Ford- tarnishing the Explorer for anyone with an ear for car safety.

But roof-crush was not exclusive to the Ford Explorer; however, the affordability and popularity of the Ford Explorer made it an example, a poster-child for needed, improved SUV safety. The only question was- did Ford know of the problem?

Compounding the roof-crush problem of the earlier Explorers, was the Firestone tire situation- jogging my memory now- Firestone ATX tires were under-inflated in spec for comfort (by Ford) for the Explorer. The Firstones would then heat-up and fail like hand-grenades on the then-period Explorers- tires shredding- causing cars to lose control, roll, crash or a deadly combination of all-three. Yes, more people died.

Both Ford and Firestone spent billions pointing the finger at each other- (again) did Ford know the Firestones were prone to failure on cars like the Ford Explorer? Did Firestone truly supply a faulty tire? Regardless- it's so-ten years ago...

(I don't think the all-new and exciting 2011 Ford Explorer will have Firestones as standard offering... That would be just too ironic...)

For the past decade- while Ford still proclaims the Explorer a "brand-mainstay"- second only to the Mustang, I could honestly say- it hasn't been a contender in the hearts and minds of SUV drivers for quite sometime.

Muted, quiet and sorry- like an embarrassed, drunk asshole at a social get-together who has been outed for bad behavior- the Explorer, despite being a relative bargain compared to more popular, modern SUVs- I don't know too many who have flocked to Ford for one in recent years. But, hopefully for Ford- this is about to change.

Firestones will surely not be standard, nor will it have a latter, truck-frame- like its predecessors. A car, Taurus chassis will be the platform- making the now uni-bodied Explorer sit a tad lower, and drive, handle more like a car. It's also a front-wheel-drive, as standard like the Taurus.

Also more-like-a-car is the fuel economy- yes- into the 30-miles-per-gallon realm- making the all-new Explorer "green" for the 21st Century driver. The original Explorers were lucky to get half the economy of the new ones, then again- gas in 1995 was half the price it is today.

Gone is the V8 option- and in with an optional turbo-charged, Ecoboost inline-4; which, ironically, puts out power than the original V8 options of years ago. Go figure that one. Standard is a 290-horse 3.5-liter six- which, in my option- should work just fine.

So the Explorer is now officially a crossover- which, as I've noted before- is where the SUV segment is going.

The Explorer brand-wise has some huge shoes, er, tires-to-fill- however, segment-wise, as far-as-Ford is concerned- it's surely replacing the lowly, re-badged crossover Taurus X- which car guys will tell you- started-out as just the just-as ambiguous Ford Freestyle- which, I'm convinced sold by the dozens, not the millions like the Explorer.

Funny how Ford, in an effort to boost the Freestlye- gave it the Taurus nameplate- but now, the crossover is actually more a-kin to the SUV brand- the Explorer. Go figure. Again.

Oh, how times have changed. I'm excited to see the all-new Explorer on Facebook. I don't mean to marginalize or minimize the all-new 2011 Explorer by mentioning its shitty past- but, I believe most car people in-the-know can't help but keep the past in mind while seeing the future of the Explorer and the SUV, today- in the all-new 2011 Ford Explorer.

Oh, how far we've come... But don't worry- in another twenty years- this car's going to suck, be crass, or be bad-for-us too. That's just how it goes with history and nostalgia... Go figure. Yet, again, hindsight- just like Mad Men.

Revisting the Small Crossover SUV, I Guess In-Between Comes With Age...

Twenty years ago- you had sedans, coupes, minivans and wagons- with the convertible or roadster thrown-in. That was pretty much it. Nothing in-between.

What we know as Sport Utility Vehicles (SUV) were outright "trucks" and they were anything but accommodating or popular.

SUVs boomed fifteen years ago- then another funny thing happened- SUVs got smaller, more car-like and highly versatile. Now they're based-on compact sedan platforms- come with all-wheel-drive and an airy compliment of standard truck niceties- like a slightly elevated ride-height, and a lot of "space and place," what I like to refer to as space, room and easy placement for both people, things and, well... the occasional large dog or flat-screen television from Best Buy.

I'm talking about the smaller, crossover SUV.

Shopping a new car with some good friends of mine (an older couple in their late 70's and 80's) something amazing happened- they went for the smaller crossover SUV over any other kind of car; and we're talking about a couple who have driven exclusively Toyota Camry sedans for a quarter of a century- that's 25 years!

Why no more sedan? Surprisingly the current Toyota Camry, while fatter in looks is actually quite cramped inside compared to an older Camry... And the Honda Accord- once the smallest of the Asian-import sedans- is now too big- the largest, longest and widest of the bunch. (It's like Cadillac or Buick-big- seriously.)

My dear friends ultimately went for the Honda CR-V- and while the CR-V is highly-rated by most who evaluate it- you'd never believe why the little, slightly rugged yet highly urbanized all-wheel-drive small SUV is the geriatric vehicle of a new/old generation....

It's easy to get-in and-out of!

Seemingly, elderly people find it easier to get-up-and-in and gentler to fall-out-of the smaller, crossover SUV. No crouching or hoisting to get out of a low-slung sedan- but rather, just slightly fall-out-and-down without having to pull or strain a muscle every time you want to get out of the car.

I really don't read a lot of mainstream automobile magazines anymore- and I most certainly don't read about crossover SUVs like the CR-V; but I'll bet no-one has noted this little fact- older people are less-likely to pee-a-little getting in and out of a smaller crossover SUV!

The CR-V is really quite cleverly sized. I like to call it the "big Japanese sedan of 15 years ago" in size- right-sized for so many who remember when American cars were too big; yet smaller Asian imports were, well... too small... and the CR-V has all-wheel-drive- something you cannot get in a Japanese sedan outside of a Subaru, of course.

Addie and Morry settled on a Urban Titanium CR-V LX with Real-Time All-Wheel-Drive and dealer-installed Dark Graphite leather (so smooth- it looks factory), it's a stunning little number!

Morry whispered "what do you call this kind of car?" when he first laid eyes on it.

I said "it's a crossover."

Morry grumbled "sounds like something that should live in the Village..." (dating himself a little, clearly...)

But unlike Billy Joel sang over thirty years ago- these days, however- "your best bet is [NOT] a true-baby-blue Continental..."

These days, the lines are blurred, looks can be deceiving, and well... they just don't make them like they used to anymore.

The CR-V is still rock-n-roll to me... enough for this Car Guy.

Original One Owner... Elder Driven- But Not Low Miles

A 91-year-old woman has been documented driving one car, a 1964 Mercury Comet "Caliente" for 46 years- and 562,000 miles.

Evidently- the car has outlasted her three marriages and even the mechanic- he retired.

The secret? A lot of money, no... A lot of love.

For the monies invested in this, seemingly mostly-original '64 Comet- she could have bought a fleet of over a dozen '64 Comets- a car which price was around $3200 in 1964.

But the kicker is the monies saved having invested in the "lifetime warranty," that little-itty-bit of documentation the auto manufacturers know you're never going to take-advantage of...

Batteries, shocks, even exhausts have been taken-care-of for decades because of the lifetime warranty deal- probably enough times over to make-up for all the warranties not honored by everyone else.

I believe the one car, one owner, over half-a-million miles- but what I don't understand- is the original engine block.

I'm not saying it's bullshit- but... For a car like this- highly unlikely. What they fail to mention is- how many times the engine has been completely torn-down and rebuilt.

I'd also like to know how many times it's been bored-over too...

For as much as people like to say "oh, cars were made better 40, 50 years ago" the truth is- they really weren't.

Old cars rusted, their systems- especially the electrical systems and ignitions- fried-out... The engines, for as powerful as they were- weren't built to the standards and tolerances engines today are.

This car, the Mercury is... the rare exception.

When I was a little kid- it was possible to see a lot of 1950's and '60s American Iron still being used as faithful transportation- after all- these era cars were just 15 or 20 years old then- but, to see a car like the '64 Mercury being driven everyday is indeed rare.

My babysitter growing up, an elderly lady in her (then) late-sixties or so (she's long-dead now)- drove a 1962 Chevrolet Impala Sport Coupe, 283-cubic-inch V8... Turquoise Metallic with a matching, Sport-Tone Interior.

Mrs. Hughes '62 Impala was hers since new- but- at the time being around 25-years-old- was far from immaculate- it constantly had one tire in the crusher, or was just a repair bill away from being totally un-drivable.... and maybe (maybe) had 100,000 miles on it.
A little known-fact- cars "back in the day" if they had 100,000 miles on them- it was time for a new car- seriously.

So- to see an old car with over 500,000 is the rare exception- at any age, and or investment.

Mercury, the brand, is soon gone- but it's nice to see one vintage one left- that will be around for- as long as its original owner is still being.... and in love- and still under a lifetime warranty.

Sad, Really... What People Do to Strum Business...

It seems that the Fourth of July was just a week or so ago- wait- it was... But when I was a kid- as far as I was concerned- July 4 was the beginning of the summer...

It's not quite yet the 15th of the month- and what are major retailers pitching?

Back to School.

Just a few weeks ago- kids were graduating- now major retailers and advertisers are slinging ads with kids in schools- donning book bags, playing patty-cakes in school-yards, doing whatever... It's fucking July people- but... things are so bad these days- parents probably have to start financially planning to send their kids back to school... now.

Okay- maybe I'm being hasty- and I'll attest- I'm not a master marketer in anyway, shape or form- but I bet you see all these "Back to School" savings in mid-July because, well... Mid-August is just too close a pinch for most these days- better start saving for your kids clothing and school supplies now!

When I was a kid, the end of Summer meant watching TV to see the old Roy Rogers commercial- with the Four Seasons' "See You in September" theme- with the cafeteria ladies serving lunch.

That was an instant depression if there ever was one.

Thankfully- I'm over school- forever. No more schooling for this guy, right here. No, I have other things to get depressed about.

Maybe I'm wrong- See You in September- will now forever mean "Buy Baby, Good Buy" as far as sales are concerned.

Premature, depressing or not.

A little side-note- I mention The Four Season's See You in September- but to my avail- that was a cover of the The Tempo's original version.

Then again- what do I know.... School or no school- I learn something new, everyday.

End of the Line For the PT Loser

Today, July 9, 2010 marks a day that will burn in the hearts of car guys everywhere- it's the end of the road for the venerable and lovable Chrysler PT Cruiser.

Okay- maybe I'm being a bit dramatic... No car guy really ever loved the PT Cruiser, but as one who once sold them- I'll never forget the little retro-styled car.

When I started selling Chryslers in the fall of 2004, the PT Cruiser was really, our only inexpensive, small-car offering.

Us salesmen quickly dubbed it the "PT Loser," because aside from financially raping someone in special finance, there was literally no money to made on them. They were "flats," $75 losers.

The strangest people liked them... Many of which brought-in the local paper ad, where we always had one "loss leader," on a car that was so stripped-down- any more and it would be a retro-mobile to the Flintstones-era.

Some notable favorites who came-in and bought the Loser Cruiser (that come to my mind anyway) was an old (odd) hippie couple from Hackensack, who of all-things drove another, older, PT Cruiser.

They had seen the ad for a $13,999 car, and had wanted to upgrade. But before they cold lay-eyes on the "stripper" we were slinging in the local paper, walking them through the lot they spotted the Limited Edition Dream Cruiser (Chrysler for a while made limited production Dream Cruisers- even numbered them in a series as if they were model matchbox cars to be collected out of a Happy Meal...)

As the husband of the pair saw the Metallic Purple Dream Cruiser- he said to his wife "if we had that, we'd be the envy of the club..."

The wife then whispered back to him- "can you imagine doing it that one?"

Doing it? What kind of club were they talking about?

At this point- I prayed I didn't have to appraise their trade...

Turns out the dynamic duo were members of a club- a PT Cruiser club- but it is still unclear as to what kind of cruising- they were doing in the back of their cars...

Another notable Cruiser favorite was the lady on welfare from Toms River, who schlepped her brother, about ninety miles up the Garden State Parkway for the privilege of busting my balls over a black PT Cruiser that had to have a simulated wood-grain paneling kit on the sides- (like an old Woody Wagon...) or she'd refuse to drive it.

The lady was literally destitute and her brother had offered to co-sign on a new car- but she insisted on the $3,500 right to have fake wood glued on the sides of her new basic transportation. In fact, she was quite animate about it proclaiming "I would never drive a PT Cruiser without wood on the side... I'm not low-class..."

Her words, not mine. (Hey, the customer is always right, what can I say?)

I remember my desk boss in the tower- who penned the deals quipping "the bitch doesn't have a pot to piss in... but she wants wood on her PT Cruiser... Welcome to f'n America asshole..." he overcharged her on the wood package- after all- it doesn't hurt to try when you know it's not going to happen.

We blew-her-out- no car, no wood and all.

But the last and final PT Cruiser anecdote belongs to the 94 year-old lady who walked in one January afternoon and wrote a check, for what was surely going to be... her last car.

Mary was 94 and... (to her anyway) it was time to say goodbye to the green 1994 Plymouth Neon with 14,700 original miles. She needed a new Chrysler.

She paid for the thing with a bank check- that we made her go and get... Signed the papers and drove away- running over the curb as she made it back to Route 4.

I like to think- she loved the Cruiser because it reminded her of cars when she was.... 34.

Not all the people who drove PT Cruisers were losers- but those who did drive them- were as old as they were odd- and invariably- blind as a bat.

Not a segment worth promoting, especially when you're bankrupt.

I'm just wondering when Chevrolet will follow suit and discontinue the HHR- their answer for making a car like the PT Loser.

The Car Guy Gets New Soap. Yes, Soap.

OKay- nothing too much exciting going on in the car world... Nothing this Car Guy is taking as anything new or noteworthy anyway- but in my plight to advise my readers of something... Well- did I tell you about the new soap I've been using?

A few months back- GQ ran a section of things poor folks can do to live the good life. While I wouldn't call myself poor- expensive, cheap or not- I'll take a good life any day- at any price. Lucky for me if I can still afford it.

One of their recommendations were to make shorts out of old Chinos. I did that. Got it right on the first cut- cut straight and true-right above the kneecaps and I've been wearing the fraying, fading poor man's shorts all-summer-long.
They're a relic of my old-life wearing these fading, horrid Ralph Lauren Chinos- of which, I wore during my daily stints to literal hell- my old job.

Every time I put my legs through them in the morning- I can't but think how lucky I am. Turned my old work trousers into shorts- and I've been wearing them most ever day. No more hell. That's a good life if I ever knew one!

My father for a while got really into personal care products. Yes, there are even websites, blogs and forums dedicated to all-things relating to personal care, for all of you who do care- anyway. Soaps, shaving stuffs, hair care... you name it. It's discussed and relayed- ad nausea.

Pity but true- sometimes the best stuff, is quite often than not- cheaper than expensive. And more often than not- the bottles aren't nearly as neat as the more expensive stuff.

In other words- it's all just a bunch of fancy packaging.

Literally- thousands of products that are formulated, quarterly, by big business to do hundreds of different things to the human body.

Don't believe me? Walk through a mall- count all the crap you see that is sold in a bottle- but what the marketers and advertising gurus don't want you to know- you're really just buying a fancy package. There- I said it again. Am I officially nagging?

I've bought into the lifestyle stuff. I'm not from hunger here. Most of my clothing is name-brand. It's fraying, but it's name brand. I buy quality in most everything I have- but the classic definition of quality (for those who don't have a marketing degree); quality is where performance meets or exceeds expectations. At a price, too, of course.

I've bought hundreds of dollars of Kiehls and other brands. My sister for the holidays, one year, even bought me a sampler of Molton Brown liquid soaps.

While I enjoyed the colorful, exotic and luxurious scents of Molton Brown- the only thing that remains of the soaps is the elegant Oriental-style gift box they came in- I use it as a bookend on my bookshelf. Yeah, it's that pretty.

I'm not looking for another lifestyle, or a hobby. I just want something good. Something very good and cheap- beyond the Proctor & Gamble notion of Irish Spring- and I'm not talking CVS brand either. That's not the good life I'm looking for...

Back to the GQ guide- another recommendation for the good-life-on-a-budget was Dr. Bronner's "All-One" Pure-Castile "magic" soap. Supposedly- the stuff is cheap and very good.

It comes in this huge, long, industrial plain plastic bottle. Like it's meant for your dog or pet horse... or used to take the stains out of hotel carpeting. With a simple label too- with lots of writing.
I kept my eyes peeled for the stuff- and as my current bottle of body wash was beyond (what I like to call in honor of Chris Rock) "Mo Tussin"- it's when you put water in an empty soap bottle in an effort to, well... make more soap (though in Chris Rock's bit it was Robitussin)... I found it, at Walgreens.

I picked-up the bottle and started reading... this was the stuff. But as I read the label- well, I got a little nervous.

Simple label, no frills- almost old-fashioned in nature with like two colors, but there was so much crap written on it- most of it- literally- read like the Holy Bible, or one of those fliers you get on the side of the road from God-only-knows-who- proclaiming God-only-knows-what. It was just maniacal- as far as soap labels went to me, anyway.

Commandments, rules, praises, chants... All this nutty shit. Nothing made sense. Nothing like this, all 18-in-one uses or not, should be on a soap bottle.

Forget "Mo Tussin" I turned into Bernie Mac and dropped the bottle "I ain't fucking with this shit..." is all I could muster as I literally walked away.

I felt betrayed- like when you find the best birthday or holiday greeting card- and something awkwardly religious or really out of context ruins the card as you read it? Like when you end a Hallmark card- "may you walk in the light of Jesus Christ our Lord.." and you're looking for something to give with a gift check for a Jewish wedding, on a Saturday night too, no less?

I'm not looking to find God or religion in the shower (incidentally, an old co-worker called me a few weeks back and proclaimed he found God in the shower... but that's another story, for another time...) I just want something good.

Something had to give, so I did some research.

Well- long story cut very short- Dr. Emmanuel Bronner- founder of the aptly named Dr. Bronners Magic Soaps went crazy- literally. And he was crazy about being clean.

Born Emmanuel Heilbronner in Germany of Jewish decent- Dr. Bronner left Germany in the late 1920s- despite being the heir to a flourishing family-owned soap manufacturing business.

The young Heilbronner pleaded, begged his parents to join him Stateside- just as the Nazis were picking-up steam. Incidentally- the Nazi's nationalized the Heilbronners' business and took everything they had.

Supposedly, according to some sources, the last correspondence Bronner had with his father was a postcard proclaiming "you were right- Your loving father."

Everyone was killed.

Bronner eventually went crazy promoting his "Moral ABCs" a collection of his personal, religious and professional exploits (also noted on the said label) and was even committed to a mental hospital- and received shock treatments. How cool?

Funny- but now... I had to have the stuff!

While Bronner eventually died in 1997- the Bronner family has continued the niche hand-making of mostly organic, eccentric personal products- the 18-in-one, "magic" Pure-Castile body soap- (crazy incoherent labels and all) included.

So while I now understood the madness behind the mantra- does it make it right?

The soap works. To quote a lady who posted a review of the stuff on a body care forum (don't ask me which one...) but it read something along the lines of... "the stuff makes parts of my body tingle and make me feel things that- that I'd best leave to the imagination..." And it does.

It's so refreshing, so light and aromatic it tingles the senses and literally wakes up parts of your body not meant to tingle or wake-up if you know what I mean.

I mean... if these parts are tingling- you better go see a doctor... And get something prescribed... And don't have sex with anything- like ever again.

But arousal aside- it's an excellent soap. It's cheap- it smells good and lathers-up like I don't know what- like a social disease; and comes in a package so huge, like I said- you can shampoo a hotel lobby carpet with it- or use it to bathe your pet horse and still have more to wash-down the boat.

I put it in two different locations in my house so far- one in the shower and another as a refreshing hand-soap.

Supposedly you can clean 18 different things with it. Maybe even brush your teeth with it- I don't know-yet.

The true test will be how it cleans the Jubilee bracelet of a Rolex watch- so far, Scrubbing Bubbles takes the cake- and I'll let you know how this stuff works... maybe.

But it tingles as it cleans and it leaves you feeling fresh and great. As if something holy has happened in the shower.

Like I said- I'm not looking for a lifestyle, or a hobby- but I bought it all- story, bottle, price, image- all in my quest for a quality product; for maybe, just maybe- a better life and well, to be different.

Funny how marketing really does work.

No Mo Tussin... Not for a long while!

Toyota's Lexus. Now They're Really Getting It...

When Toyota debuted the Lexus brand in 1989- it was a clear-cut blow to the German auto makers like Mercedes-Benz and BMW.

Well, gosh- I do believe they've finally, totally done it.

Toyota reports that some 270,000 vehicles have faulty engines...

This car guy loves this. Sure, Toyota has recalled over 8 million vehicles this year to date- but that's all safety related- finally something performance/engine related- the kind of stuff foreign import car drivers (like me) have known since the beginning.

I'm a realist as much as I am a car guy- and let me tell you- no "car enthusiast" wants a car that actually works. I mean- what fun is an animal that when it bites- doesn't hurt?

Sure- car guys want it to work- but what fun is having a car you know is always going to work well and all the time?

Look at people who drive British cars- they're mostly total (yes, still) pieces-of-shit and car enthusiasts still buy them- it's what makes them appealing.

Sometimes the driving excitement is in whether the car is going to start at all.

Part of the allure of driving a good, premium car is knowing your car is going to get you there- and if you're used to driving Japanese appliances- which are what Toyotas and Lexus cars basically are- where's the fun in knowing that it's guaranteed?

You need that small percentage of total disasters/shit storms to keep you on your heels and toes- in the foot well- if you're a real car enthusiast, anyway. Nothing good in life is ever totally guaranteed.

Now, I'm not saying Lexus cars haven't had their share of mechanical problems- they have. They just don't advertise them as much as other brands do- but now that Toyota is undeniably the Recall King of the Century- everything and anything is coming to light.

If you ask any professional mechanic- they'll admit that some any given models in particular have their fair shares of "problems."

One Lexus mechanic confided in me once years ago- a generation of 3.3-liter V6s as used in the very popular ES and RX model-line had oil-return line issues- where if the oil wasn't exactly changed often enough- plaque and sludge could build-up- causing an engine seizure. Nice!

But if you drive most any European or American premium cars- you know- most brands and models have their "good" and "bad" years.

Basically the Lexus recall involves faulty materials used in making the valve springs. The parts may fail causing erratic idling, strange noises- maybe even a stall.

The models potentially affected include the IS350, GS350, GS460, GS450h, LS460, LS600h, and LS600hL.

Oh, big deal... I've driven cars at highway speeds that made strange rattling noises- hell, some have even stalled completely on me while cruising down the road- it makes for a better driver and a better car enthusiast- trust me.

Drive a car that has jumped time- but still ran well enough to limp to the mechanic- ten miles away- now that's engineering.

Find me a car that drives and still drives broken- and well, that's an enthusiasts' car if I ever saw one.

Find me something that's never failed... and that's just a disaster waiting to happen.

Lexus has finally gotten this car guy's... respect.